Finding freedom and esteem through boundary-setting

As I’m getting back to “business as usual”, I find myself thinking a lot about psychological safety, boundary setting, and having respectful conversations these days in many areas of my life.

My son recently came home from university for the summer and my daughter and I are getting used to the new normal. Just like work, it’s back to the “known” but in a very new context. My son is a grown-up now (kind of) and has been doing his own laundry, dishes, cooking, and all the things…why can’t he do them here?!

I know that in this season, I need to re-establish boundaries at home. Dirty dishes are the responsibility of the person who dirtied them. My work hours are quiet hours in the house. And I don’t do laundry for anyone capable of doing it themselves. (That’s everyone in my house.)

If I really think about it, the whole pandemic was an exercise in needing to set boundaries between work and life, kids and work, keeping in touch and finding time to simply recoup, the news cycle, shitty politics, systemic bullshit, and my sanity.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, resentful, or you’re struggling with perfectionism or low self-esteem, it could be that you’re struggling with a boundaries issue.  

When we don’t set healthy boundaries with ourselves and other people, it can show up as:

·        Being unclear or uncertain about when we need or want to say no

·        Not knowing how to say no

·        Putting other people’s needs ahead of your own (including not having time for yourself!)

·        People pleasing, being a “yes-man” or not standing up for our values or what matters most to us

·        Thinking you can or should “do it all” and not asking for help when you need it

·        Setting yourself up for failure because your expectations of yourself or others are too high

·        Feeling under- or unappreciated for what you do

·        Feeling let down by others or unsupported

We all rationalize why we aren’t setting clear expectations or boundaries at work and in our personal lives:

• It’s satisfying to support our people–it’s hard to say no

• It’s easier in the moment to do the thing myself

• They will push (and push and push) and that’s just exhausting and demoralizing

Most of us struggle with setting clear expectations and boundaries in our personal lives or at work and it can be scary to say what you need. But, this is an opportunity to stretch and grow.

It can feel uncomfortable or confrontational, or you may struggle to set boundaries in a kind way because you’re feeling frustrated.  It can also trigger feelings of fear, guilt, sadness, and even shame. Especially when we’re pushed to hold them, which is often the case because people tend to initially push-back when we provide feedback or when the rules of engagement have changed. 

If you’re struggling with setting or holding boundaries, you are not alone. We all have our reasons (and our baggage). 

Typically, people struggle with boundaries because they’re trying to protect themselves. Maybe you’ve:

• Been shut down or not seen or heard when you expressed needs to parents, friends, colleagues, or managers in the past

• Experienced a loss of safety or sense of vulnerability because of situational power or your identity

• Have experienced micro and macro aggressions because of your race, gender, sexuality or something else that sets you apart

• Had a set-back or failure that really threw you through a loop

The truth is, not setting clear expectations and boundaries, or holding them, is costing you at work and in your personal life. It’s a drain on your energy and it leads to bad vibes all around (see: resentment, strained relationships, less than stellar performance at work, poor mental health, and even burnout…the list goes on). For our kids – it’s actually just confusing.

When you notice you’re struggling with holding boundaries it can be a great source of information for what might be holding you back from extraordinary.

If, like me, you’ve struggled to set and hold boundaries in your life, it might help to ask yourself:

•  If there’s a belief you have about yourself or about speaking out – where does it come from, is it really true? (Hint: our identities or our childhood experiences are often at the root of why we don’t set limits with ourselves and others.)

• What’s the worst thing that could happen if you set a limit, boundaries or speak up?

• What’s at stake for you, your professional life and/or your relationships in the longer term if you don’t speak your truth, say what you need, and hold yourself and others accountable to your boundaries?

• What might be possible for you if you set the boundaries? Get crystal clear about this by writing it out in detail, including how it serves your values and your purpose.

 Remember: Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be horrible for the people and things we set them with.

Try these good practices for communicating a boundary:

#1 - Be clear – be straightforward, watch your tone, and for the love of god, don’t use complicated language or jargon.

#2 - Say what you mean – don’t waffle or offhandedly mention your need or request. Direct is best.

#3 - Don’t explain yourself – saying no or what you need should be enough; you don’t need to justify it or make excuses for your needs.

#4 - Consistently uphold the boundary and restate it if you need to -- and you probably will.

#5 - Be generous and don’t assume the worst – even when someone respects the boundary and has the best intentions, change isn’t easy for us humans.

If someone can’t respect your boundary, or won’t, let that shit go! It’s not personal. Adult tantrums, excuses, and the silent treatment are deeply uncool and not healthy.

You’re gonna feel a certain degree of fear, uncertainty or guilt when you set a boundary.

Just ride out the discomfort you experience when you’re setting boundaries. Get support if you need it. Ride it out knowing that ultimately you can’t expect others to meet your needs or know what you want if you don’t tell them and hold them to it. That isn’t fair for them. And it doesn’t help us or our relationships.

If people are hurt – that’s okay. Change is hard. Not all conversations are easy.

The most meaningful relationships at work and in our personal lives are enriched when we can have open dialogue to figure each other out, move forward and build together.

That’s true connection. If people can’t or won’t support you to be honest about your needs and reach for them so you can kickass – wish them well, keep calm and carry on.

Boundaries are tough and easier said than done. It takes practice. Believe me, I know. I’m working on this every day – and I’m here for you.