Coping when you’ve lost someone (or something) important to you
This blog was originally written by Alex Kollo for www.workplacestrategiesformentalhealth.com with contributions from Julie Maltby, Mary Ann Baynton.
Grief is a natural response to loss
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to us. Most of us will experience grief at one time or another. It can trigger all kinds of emotional responses that can sometimes be overwhelming or unexpected – and they’re not right or wrong. Many factors influence how individuals experience and work through grief. Here’s just a partial list of considerations that make each person’s grief unique:
Circumstances
Life experiences
Age – of the person who died and of the bereaved
Feelings of attachment to other human beings
Culture
Spiritual beliefs
Coping strategies
Resilience
Personality
What it might look like
Symptoms of grief can include things like:
Grief can also show up as physical symptoms like:
Fatigue
Nausea
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Insomnia
Because the grieving process can take several months to a year and beyond to work through, it’s perfectly natural that grief will come to work with us. It may show up as:
Low motivation
Trouble making decisions
Memory loss
Withdrawal from collaboration or social interaction
Crying or other strong emotions at unexpected, and sometimes less than ideal, times
Grief can be a painful process. It’s important we understand this and be kind to ourselves as we go through the very natural emotions and other responses. They help us move forward with life.
It’s not just the loss of a loved one
Though losing a loved one is one of the most painful sources of grief, grief can occur whenever we lose anything important to us.
You may experience strong feelings of grief when:
A loved one (partner, family member or friend) dies
A serious relationship ends
A loved one is seriously ill
However, we can experience grief to varying degrees for other losses, like:
The end of a friendship
Disability, illness or injury
A change to the health of someone you love
Moving to a new location
Job loss, work relocation or change in job role
The death of a pet
The death of someone you looked up to that you never met
Pregnancy, birth of a child or going back to work after a maternity leave
Having a child leave home
The loss of a dream or goal that was important to you, including dreams for your loved ones such as marriage or children
A change in financial situation
A change in habits or responsibilities including the end of a caregiver role
Whatever loss you’ve experienced, its important to know it’s okay to feel how you feel. In fact, acknowledging the loss is an important part of the grieving process.
Grief touchstones
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a well-known grief expert whose work is often quoted and used by the bereaved and those who support them. Dr. Wolfelt identified 10 touchstones – or benchmarks – he describes in Understanding Your Grief as “essential physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual actions for you to take if your goal is to heal in grief and to find continued meaning in life”:
Open to the presence of your loss.
Honouring the pain and suffering of your grief isn’t self-destructive – it’s necessary to working through grief.
Dispel misconceptions about grief.
There are 10 misconceptions. Here’s a few:
Grief and mourning progress in predictable, orderly stages. It’s inaccurate to think about dying, grief and mourning this way – and trying to follow this model can harm a grieving person.
After someone you love dies, the goal should be to get over your grief as soon as possible. You don’t get over your grief; you learn to live with it.
Nobody can help you with your grief. The opposite is true. Social support is key.
Embrace the uniqueness of your grief.
No one will grieve exactly the way you grieve. Explore what makes your grief unique and consider taking a one-day-at-a-time approach so you can mourn at your own pace.
Explore your feelings of loss.
Rather than seeing your feelings as strange, denying them or feeling victimized by them, recognize and learn from them.
Recognize you’re not crazy.
Thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing may seem crazy. Often, what’s unusual in life is common in grief.
Understand the 6 needs of mourning.
Unlike stages, these central needs of the bereaved aren’t orderly or predictable:
Accept the reality of the death.
Let yourself feel the pain of the loss.
Remember the person who died.
Develop a new self-identity.
Search for meaning.
Let others help you – now and always.
Nurture yourself.
Self care doesn’t mean you’re feeling sorry for yourself or being self-indulgent. Allowing ourselves time and loving attention as we grieve helps us find meaning in our continued living.
Reach out for help.
Embrace support from people in your life who are caring, nonjudgmental listeners.
Seek reconciliation, not resolution.
Your grief journey never truly ends. It’s essential that you mourn intentionally by going through your grief – not around it.
Appreciate your transformation.
Grief changes us. While you’d rather avoid a significant loss in your life, you’ll grow and be forever changed from the experience.
Types of grief
We can experience many types of grief:
Normal grief
A broad range of responses to loss that can sometimes be marked by intense distress
Usually moves a grieving person towards reconciliation with the loss
Anticipatory grief
Reaction to an event you can anticipate or predict so the grieving process begins before the loss itself
May occur when a person is diagnosed with a terminal or long-term illness
Chronic or complicated grief
Severe feelings of loss that last a long time, impact daily functioning or are debilitating
Can often link to other mental health concerns like anxiety and depression
Delayed grief
Conscious or subconscious avoiding or burying of feelings that come with grief
Distorted grief
Intense, extreme or atypical responses to a loss
May look like anger towards oneself or others
Behaviour may look odd and even self-destructive
Cumulative grief
Can happen when a person experiences additional loss while still grieving the initial loss
Exaggerated grief
Grief that intensifies and can cause reactions like:
Nightmares
Self-destructive behaviours
Substance use
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Abnormal fears or developing mental illness
Masked grief
Occurs when the person experiencing the symptoms doesn’t recognize these as related to the loss
Symptoms may be disguised as physical symptoms or problematic behaviours
Disenfranchised grief
Can happen when a person feels their response to loss is not valid to others. This could be because their culture or support network deem the loss to be insignificant or shameful.
Examples of disenfranchised losses could result from:
Overdose
Suicide
Sibling loss
Death or break-up of a same-sex relationship
Death of or end of a relationship with a lover married to someone else
End of a relationship because of infidelity
Miscarriage
Abuse
Death of pets
Traumatic grief
Loss is associated with an event that’s scary, unexpected, violent or otherwise traumatic
Normal grief can be combined with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Collective grief
A group of people experience a shared loss, like:
Death or dismissal of a team member
Natural disaster
Terrorist attack
Any event that leads to mass casualties or tragedy
Grief is a normal response to loss. It may be helpful to reach out to a family doctor, therapist or grief counsellor for support if you also experience signs of trauma or any of the following symptoms:
Difficulty with daily functioning, like keeping to routines, going to work or cleaning your house
Feelings of depression that last most of the time for more than 2 weeks
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Intense feelings of guilt or self-blame
Adjusting to loss
The grieving process can last anywhere from between a few months to a year – and longer. You may feel better on some days and then have a “grief wave” with difficult emotions or thoughts. That’s perfectly natural; healing from a loss isn’t a linear process and it takes time. It can be tempting to withdraw, or you may feel like your grief is a burden to others, but it’s important to not isolate yourself.
You may lean towards unhealthy coping strategies like eating junk food or using substances like alcohol or cigarettes to numb your emotions. This is unhelpful and can make the grieving process last longer. Instead, try some of these healthier coping strategies:
Turn to friends and family for support – even if you’re not the type of person to share how you’re feeling or ask for help
It’s important to have a network of support where you can talk honestly about your loss
Distraction or light-hearted fun with friends can help you get through the rough patches
Understand others may be uncomfortable or have their own experiences of grief
Remember they usually mean well and want to do the best they can to support you but may not know what to say or do
If you can, tell them what you need, like whether you wish to discuss your loss, be invited to social gatherings or engage in small talk
Process your feelings
Keep a journal to write how you feel
Take time to reflect on difficult or painful experiences from your past and how you overcame or coped with those
Focus on happy memories about whomever or whatever you’ve lost
Maintain hobbies and interests
It may not be easy at first but taking time for activities that bring you joy or help you relax is an important part of feeling like yourself again
Take care of your physical health – you can better manage difficult emotions if you:
Eat healthy food
Stay hydrated
Keep active
Get enough sleep
Join a support group
Being with people going through what you are can help you work through difficult
Slow down your decision-making processes
Avoid making big personal or professional life changes for several months or up to a year – grief can impact your ability to be objective
Some people experience a crisis of faith after a major loss – if that’s you, reach out to someone in your faith community to seek guidance
Everyone has their own coping style, so do what feels right for you.
At work it can help to:
Request extra breaks, a flexible schedule or time off to attend to your personal needs or to see a counsellor or therapist
Ask if you can avoid taking on new projects if you feel you would not be able to absorb additional information.
Ask co-workers to write down or email important information for you if you feel like your concentration and memory aren’t at their best
Keep your supervisor aware of how you’re doing
Plan for what might trigger strong emotions
Supporting a grieving co-worker
Understanding the grieving process and being there to support a co-worker can make a big difference to their healing process. Here are some ways you can let them know you’re there for them:
Acknowledge their grief and take time to listen by saying:
How are you coping?
How can I help?
How are you doing today?
Give them a chance to talk – and to be quiet
Offer to pick up work responsibilities if they need to sort out personal matters or attend appointments
Take them a healthy meal while they’re on leave or bring it to the office when they’re back at work
Withhold judgment when they express difficult emotions—even if they don’t come at the “right moment”
You aren’t a therapist. You can’t make their painful feelings go away. You can take the time to show you care and offer compassion throughout their healing journey. This is a powerful way to show support.
